“I Am the Only Tampon in the Beast’s Castle and I’m Terrified That a Woman Just Moved In”
An interview with Briana Haynie
Hello and welcome to Humor Science, the newsletter I started so I could have an excuse to talk to and learn from some of my favorite humor writers. Thank you for being here!
This month I interviewed Briana Haynie about her piece for The Belladonna (and one of my favorite humor pieces ever): “I Am the Only Tampon in the Beast’s Castle and I’m Terrified That a Woman Just Moved In.” Every single line in this piece just crackles and the backstory (Briana first had the idea back in college and rewrote it after a rejection!) proves that you should never give up on a great idea. Let’s dive in.
Tell me about the inspiration for this piece. When did you start writing it?
I started writing this piece in 2018 but the core idea, an enchanted tampon in the Beast’s castle, was an idea I had in college. I remember thinking about how much that would suck—which made me laugh. When I started thinking about it as a humor piece, I came at it with the point of view that tampons should be regularly available and stocked in all bathrooms but they rarely are. Which made me think that there was no way the Beast—being once a man who never needed to care about anyone but himself and now an enchanted dog/wolf/bull creature who doesn’t need to care about anyone but himself—would have thought to have the necessary menstrual items available for others stocked in his castle.
When you’re writing a piece like this, what’s your process? Do you have a solid plan going in, or do you write freely and then shape it from there?
I don’t think I ever have a solid plan when I begin a piece but I will always know the POV that I’m trying to go for. I write it at the top of the page while I’m brainstorming so that I can keep the general thesis in mind. This piece had the benefit of existing in a world that was already created so I started out writing down facts about B&TB and then writing one-liners and funny ideas next to those facts.
Every rep in this piece is 10/10 perfection and each one brings in a different aspect of Beauty and the Beast in a new and surprising way. I laugh every single time I get to this part: "Every day I fight the feeling of a song in my heart and the need to sing it to her. While Lumiere was busy singing about how to eat, I was thinking up songs to explain the dangers of toxic shock syndrome." It's hilarious to me that despite everything, this tampon has such a pure desire to sing a song. Can you tell me a little bit about the process of mapping those specifics from Beauty and the Beast onto a tampon and developing this character?
You know the line in Be Our Guest where Lumiere says “Why, we only live to serve”? My mapping was inspired by that one line. The characters in B&TB have a passion for taking care of people and that passion overflows so much that they have to sing about it. It was tragically funny to me for a character to have that urge and passion but not the means to do anything about it because she’s a one and done type of instrument.
Are you a fan of Beauty and the Beast?
YES. Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie when I was growing up—we’re talking trying to go to school in my Belle costume favorite movie—and it still holds a special place in my heart. This piece came from a place of LOVE.
I was super excited when the episode of The Antidote came out with a performance of this piece. What was it like to hear this piece performed?
A dream. It was an absolute dream. We don’t really get to hear our pieces performed as humor writers and I remember listening to that multiple times with a huge smile plastered on my face.
Is there anything else you want to share about this piece that I didn’t ask about?
Something that I love about this piece is that it actually got rejected the first time I submitted it but because The Belladonna is great and gives you feedback when they reject a piece, I was able to take those notes, rewrite the piece, and then resubmit it*. At the time, I was still pretty new to writing humor and I was incredibly proud of myself for taking the notes and implementing them instead of declaring myself a terrible writer and disappearing into the folds of my couch. It was a big learning moment for me and because of that, this piece holds a very special place in my heart.
(*Just a side note: I normally would not have resubmitted a piece to a publication. However, the rejection was a positive one and the notes they gave were exactly what the piece needed, so I took a chance. But I don’t recommend doing this with every rejection that you receive, don’t be that person.)
Where do you find inspiration for your humor pieces? How do you come up with ideas?
Great question. Inspiration is fickle. Sometimes the ideas come from a random passing thought that makes me laugh but if I’m sitting down and brainstorming, a good place for me to start is asking myself the question, “What’s annoyed me recently?” or “What had me interrupting—my incredibly generous with his time—partner’s day with an impromptu rant?” Because if I feel passionate about a subject that’s usually a good sign that there’s something there.
Are there specific humor writers or any particular pieces out there that you’re inspired by?
I love the McSweeney’s piece, I Regret to Inform You My Wedding To Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled by Melinda Taub. I remember reading it for the first time and getting that excited “I want to write like this” feeling.
How did you first get started with humor writing? What advice do you have for someone who might just be getting started with their humor writing journey?
I started regularly reading McSweeney’s, The New Yorker, and The Onion in my early 20s. I knew that there was something about the form that I wanted to emulate and that’s when I first had some pieces published in Reductress. But it wasn’t until I started taking the Satire & Humor writing courses at Second City with Caitlin Kunkel that I really started to get the hang of the form.
So I guess my advice to people starting out would be to read others work as much as possible and jump into a class. Classes are great because you meet people who you can grow with as a writer. I have many talented friends who I met in those initial classes and we’ve been supporting each other ever since.
Anything else you want to add about humor writing, comedy in general, or anything at all I didn’t ask about?
Please support the WGA! If you don’t yet know why, please read up on why there is a strike. I’m not yet in the guild but one day will be and feel strongly that they are not only fighting for fair pay for themselves but also fighting to make sure that writing remains a viable career in Hollywood.
Where can people find more of your work, and are there any particular projects or news you want to plug?
Most of my humor and satire writing can be found on my website, brianahaynie.com! Also, go watch South Side on HBOmax. It’s a tragically underrated comedy!
That’s it! This interview has inspired me to pull myself out of the folds of my couch and write some of the pieces that I’ve been percolating on for…way too long.
What’s new:
I have a new piece in the New Yorker that combines my two favorite things: comedy and dogs.
Does anyone need professional notes on a humor piece? I’m available! Here’s some more info.
On June 23rd at 7PM, I’m doing an event in L.A. at The Village Well with Kate Herzlin celebrating the release of Jokes to Offend Men and featuring performances from Briana Haynie (hi Briana!), Sarah Garfinkel, Laura LeeLun, and Lizzie Logan. Hope to see you there!
About me
I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, humor coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!