A Conversation With Myself About Whether to Watch 'Adolescence'
A new humor piece from me
Me: Oh man, from what I’ve heard about this show, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to watch it. It’s going to psychologically ruin me.
Also me: Good point. But if you don’t watch it, you’ll never know in what precise way it will psychologically ruin you. For example, will this four-episode miniseries about a thirteen year-old murderer leave you feeling unnerved and dissociated, or is it the type of thing that delivers such a potent gut punch you’ll be physically ill for days?
Me: How about this: let’s not find out! There are plenty of other things to watch that I added to my Netflix list, like the Plankton movie. Seems kinda fun.
Also me: But will the Plankton movie make you writhe in agony as you witness — in one long, continuous, painfully intimate shot — a father falling to pieces as he tries to come to grips with the unspeakably horrific act his son has committed?
Me: No, and I think that’s a good thing. Plankton it is!
Also me: You should know the animation style of the Plankton movie pales in comparison to the charming hand drawn cel animation of the original SpongeBob, so that’s super depressing.
Me: Not as depressing as a TV show about a thirteen year-old brutally stabbing a classmate to death after being influenced by the manosphere.
Also me: But still pretty depressing.
Me: Okay, fine. How about a nice prestige drama with a satisfying mystery at its core, like Paradise on Hulu.
Also me: You watched that already. Twice.
Me: It’s so good.
Also me: So freaking good. But maybe Adolescence is good, too? Everyone online is talking about it. Why don’t you ask the group chat if they’ve seen it?
Me: Most of my friends said they heard it’s good but they’re not watching it because they think it might mess them up too much.
Also me: Sounds wise. Maybe it’s a good idea to skip it after all.
Me: You mean that?
Also me: Yeah, I understand.
Me: That’s a relief. I’ve been so emotionally wrecked the past few months and I’m already not sleeping much, and when I do, I have horrible nightmares. So I think it’s a good time to start being more intentional about what I watch right before bed.
Also me: You’re right. So, Love is Blind?
Me: Yeah, why not. I’m just going to do a Sudoku puzzle while it plays in the background anyway and try to go to sleep early and…hey! What the fuck? This isn’t Love is Blind. This is…is this Adolescence!?
Also me: HAHAHAHAHA.
Me: Jesus fucking Christ. You’re sick.
Also me: Oh come on. The whole thing is only four hours long. It’ll be over before you know it, and then you can start reading the hundreds of think pieces about it. And I know how much you love reading think pieces.
Me: This is fucked.
Also me: This IS fucked. But look, you’re captivated. Yes, it’s more in a “Clockwork Orange eye drops scene” kind of way, but still. And now it’s already time for episode two.
Me: You know what, whatever. Let’s just get through this and hopefully I can get to sleep before 2AM.
Also me: That’s the spirit. And see, look, just one episode to go! Shall I play it?
Me: Fine, fuck you, play it. I’m so emotionally numb anyway, I haven’t cried in years. What could this finale possibly do that…
Also me: [Unintelligible mumbling through intense sobbing]
Me: Are you crying?
Also me: No, we’re crying.
Me: Goddammit. Here, at least take a tissue.
Also me: Too late. Our shirt will do.
Me: Once again, fuck you. But you know what…
Also me: …Yes?
Me: That was so good.
Also me: So freaking good. What do you say we wash this down with a gritty, unflinchingly gory medical show? It’s not too late to catch up on the Pitt.
Me: Fuck it. I’ll get the popcorn.
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About me
I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!