But seriously, don’t laugh at my dog.

What’s new:

• I’m teaching another session of my workshop, Crafting Character Voice in Humor Pieces, on May 16th at 2PM EST. It’s a one-hour workshop taught live over Zoom and the cost is $50. You can learn more and sign-up here.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

I am, of course, talking about the ability to text people custom stickers of my dog.

With one simple tap on my screen, I can turn any one of the approximately two billion photos I have of Roman into a sticker, giving me not just a mere novelty icon but a whole new language in which to express myself.

In order to illustrate the impact of this incredible technology — and provide clarity for the group chat once and for all — here is a guide to the five most commonly used Roman stickers, and their meanings.

This is a particularly versatile sticker that works in a variety of situations, including break-ups, condolences, and empathizing with other people’s petty grievances.

Its iconic, immediately recognizable shape instantly communicates its message of sorrow in both large and small-scale formats.

Now onto something more lighthearted. This spirited Roman is perfect for telling everyone you’re excited about something, without resorting to the trite party hat emoji.

Note that the crop on this sticker isn’t perfect — there’s still a little t-shirt visible from the person holding him. It’s precisely this imperfection that reinforces its ethos of carefree spontaneity and fun.

If you don’t find a healthy way to express your anger, it will come out in one way or another. For that reason, this is perhaps the most important sticker in the entire collection.

Though it is adorable, don’t let its surface appearance fool you. This sticker has a very important job: giving you plausible deniability. Let’s say a friend is talking shit about someone. You can use the “intrigued Roman” to invite the juicy follow-up information you so desire, without implicating yourself.

That way, when all the texts in your group chat get subpoenaed one day and end up in a widely circulated New York Times article, your hands are clean and your dog’s face is everywhere. Win-win.

It’s late at night and you’re texting someone back and forth. The witty banter is flowing and you’re having a great time. But then — uh-oh! You start getting sleepy. You know you can’t keep this up for much longer. You could just go silent and hope they get the message. Or you could do the mature, adult thing: send a sticker of donut-shaped Roman with no further context.

Nighty night!

It’s important to note the limitations and ambiguity inherent in any form of communication. You can embrace those messy contradictions with the wildcard stickers, shown above. While their meaning cannot be precisely pinned down and their interpretations can vary widely, everyone can agree: they are extremely cute.

Sign up for “Crafting Character Voice in Humor Pieces”

”Ysabel’s understanding of voice---you know that thing that everyone talks about but so few can explain?---make her the perfect person to teach this workshop! Her workshop is like her writing---clear, funny, and deeply worth your time!”
— An incredibly kind testimonial from Sarah Garfinkel

On Sunday, September 14th from 2PM to 3PM EST, I'm teaching another session of my online workshop, “Crafting Character Voice in Humor Pieces.” It’s $50 and it’s capped at eight participants. From writing pitch perfect parodies to developing unique characters, we cover a lot in this hour-long workshop that’s fun, interactive, and will give you new techniques for writing, editing, and brainstorming.

Learn more and sign-up here.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

Jess is a brilliant dog trainer in New York City. I met Jess because she taught my dog Roman a sport called mantrailing, which is how to track a person’s location using their scent. It ended up being the perfect thing for my stubborn independent Italian Greyhound. Roman has yet to question why his dad gets “lost” in the park so many times, but he takes his work of finding him very seriously.

About a year ago, Jess gave a presentation with another brilliant dog trainer, Sarah Rodriguez (a big shout-out to Sarah, who taught Roman some of his cutest tricks including “Wave” and “Take a bow” — he’s ready for show biz!). In that presentation, which was about enrichment activities, Jess described some of the inside jokes she shares with her dog Jordy, and I knew I needed to learn more.

In our interview, we dig deeper into what animals find funny, and how we can initiate jokes with our dogs and pick up on their jokes, too.

Can you start by telling us what type of training you specialize in and how you got into it?

I’m a licensed veterinary nurse and while I was a veterinary nurse, I also taught low-stress handling, or what is now called fear-free. After my clinical career ended because I developed an aggressive form of inflammatory arthritis, I started doing more behavior stuff. Then, because I missed the medical side, I went back and did additional certifications in physical rehab for dogs and cats — basically, PT for animals. I also teach scent sports, so nosework and tracking.

I know you’re someone who thinks very deeply about the bond we share with our pets. Can you tell us about your dog Jordy? How would you describe his personality, and what is your relationship like?

I adopted my dog when he was around five or six months old. He seemed to have never been inside a home before and he also wasn’t born inside the city. Being a city dog is a tough row to hoe, especially if they're not initially imprinted on urban life, which would mean being here before 12 weeks old. But Jordy is very prosocial for humans, meaning he seeks and wants human eyes upon him and he wants humans to speak to him and make a fuss over him. He’s also just essentially an optimist.

How do you know if your dog is an optimist?

Well, for example, a couple months ago, the gas utility started ripping up the gas line on my street. So there’s all of this weird equipment making a tremendous amount of noise, and Jordy just goes about his business. That points to him as being a dog who, when they encounter new things, thinks, “Well, I don't see anything flying up in my face, so it's probably going to be fine.” So he’s more of an optimist.

Aww, Jordy. He’s an inspiration. Let’s talk about animals and their sense of humor. How do animals make jokes?

People can initiate a joke, but dogs and other animals, they can also initiate jokes, too. A lot has been learned about wild animal behavior since they invented the camera trap, which is a waterproof camera that they leave out for a few weeks, then go pick up and review the footage. On one camera trap, they caught a pack of wolves interacting. One wolf comes over dragging this enormous branch, and the other wolves jump and try to grab it. In that example, the wolf was making a joke, like, “Here I come, parading next to you with this giant thing!” The point was to entice a positive social interaction with the rest of the group.

My dog Jordy has some jokes that he initiates, and I have some that I initiate. Now, when I say “joke,” I’m not talking about jokes that are played upon the animal. There's a whole lot of social media where people, for example, go around a corner super fast and then the dog slips and falls. That’s not a joke. When I say “joke,” I'm talking about something that is a back and forth between you that you both find amusing.

Thank you for bringing that up. Sometimes you see videos and it’s “comedy,” but it’s clearly making the dog uncomfortable. When it comes to a dog initiating a joke with you, how would you pick up on that and engage with it on their terms?

The body language of the dog has a lot to do with it. One of my friends coined the term “Felony Trot.” We were at her house for dinner and everybody was sitting at the table. Her dog wanted some attention, so he went into the kitchen and picked up a potholder, then he trotted past the dining room. His head was high and his feet were coming up high, and everybody started laughing. That’s the Felony Trot. It’s when the dog is doing something “illegal” but they’re parading in front of you because they want you to notice.

And, by the way, that dog made that same joke for every dinner that we had for nearly the rest of his life because he got a big boost from that laughter. He understood what laughter was. He knew everybody had their attention on him, and he was happy about it. It was often a potholder but sometimes he couldn't reach it, and he would pick up something else. But it was the same joke.

Dogs, they’re just like us. Can you tell us about the jokes you have with Jordy?

Jordy has one where he finds something on the floor that’s not supposed to be there. It can be a tiny scrap of paper from when I opened the mail, or a sock that I left out. I’ll hear this trotting and then he comes in, his head's high, and he runs over to me like, “I got a sock!” So then I act like, “I can't believe you did that!” I act like I’m going to get the sock and he moves back. It’s basically a joke where he gets to play “keep away” with an item that he's not supposed to have. He’s actually ready to give me the item, but my part in the joke isn’t to take the item and put it down. My role is to pretend that I just can't believe that he did it! It’s very exciting for him. That's one of his favorite jokes, it’s one of his standbys.

A classic joke, the ol’ sock on the floor. So that’s how Jordy initiates a joke, but how do you initiate jokes with him?

This is going to depend on your dog, but for a lot of dogs, if you make funny movements they tend to find it really funny. So anyone reading this, you can get up and start dancing around a little bit, and your dog will probably find it hilarious.

One thing that I like to do with Jordy is that when he's in a room, if I'm leaving the room, the last step or two that I take before I turn the corner, I'll do it super fast. So I'll whip around the corner, and that is very funny. He always pops up and he runs after me. There’s something about a quickly disappearing thing that is super hilarious. I’ve used it as a way of triggering engagement, so I can use it when he's off leash in the park. I'll just suddenly turn and go away, and he'll start running to me, because it's a joke that I've made before.

I also have the “creepy hand” joke, where I put my hands out and I wiggle my fingers like, “I'm going to get you.” That's funny to him, and I also use it off-leash because he finds it engaging.

A lot of the jokes that we have with our dogs relate to our voice. Humans can make such a big range of vocalizations, so when I'm asking him what it is that he's got, I'm doing it in a voice that he knows is a joke. I can pull out a funny voice and use it almost anywhere to signal that this is a lighthearted time and we're joking together.

Your point about vocalizations is interesting. It makes me wonder: what’s the difference between the jokes our dogs have with us, and the jokes they have with other dogs?

The answer has a little nerdy side to it. I think that the jokes have a lot to do with hardwired behaviors, such as the predation sequence. A lot of times when dogs are joking with each other, they do this “predator and prey” type of joke. For example, the play bow that people are familiar with is an exaggeration of a pounce behavior. If a dog really wants to catch a rat or something, they don't have their butt way up in the air like that. They’ll have this sort of tense, crouched position. So when the dog does a play bow, they’re saying, “I’m going to get you! But you see, my tail is up and wagging, so it's not for real.” Then the other dog will sometimes stop and fake pounce at them, or take off to initiate chasing. For the most part, the jokes I'm talking about with Jordy — like when I rush around the corner or do the monster hands — are also “prey and predator” type of jokes.

One other joke category is based on what’s called resource guarding, so dogs guarding items. For example, the wolf in the camera trap dragging the branch around. The wolf was saying, “I've got this big branch here,” and then the joke was for the other wolves to try to take that resource.

When Jordy brings me the sock, I'm acting like I'm going to take his resource. Dogs will sometimes do that with each other, like in that wolf example. But taking a resource can be more touchy with dogs, so you'll probably see fewer of those jokes between dogs, except in dogs that have a really strong relationship — for example, dogs that live together. But that type of joke is more common when dogs are interacting with people.

I want to go back to what you were saying earlier about the types of jokes we want to avoid. Obviously, we want to avoid jokes that aren’t actually jokes, like in the example you gave of when people film their dogs slipping and falling. But in these behavior-based jokes you’re describing with Jordy, how can we know if our dogs are finding what we're doing funny?

That's a good question. So, we always want to see body language that is loose, and you also want to see a loose jaw. For example, if you feel tense, your teeth are probably clenched and touching each other. It’s the same for a dog.

You also want to make sure the dog isn’t showing any shyness or wariness. I'll give you an example with my previous dog, who was deaf. I live in an apartment building, and he would come with me to take the trash out. That just involved opening my door, and he would follow me down the hall to the trash chute. After I was done, he would sometimes get distracted and start sniffing something, so I would turn and run back to the apartment so that he would chase me.

Now, if the next time I went to take the trash out, if I had observed that my dog was sticking close to me and appeared to be anxious, thinking, “Is she going to run away? Am I going to lose her?” then that wouldn’t have been a joke because it wasn’t funny to my dog. But the next time I did it (because I knew my dog enough to try this joke in the first place), he was waiting for it. He actually kind of ruined the joke because then I could never run away. He was so excited about getting to chase me that he almost couldn't let me make the joke. He was thinking, “Oh my god, we’re going to do that thing again!” So his excitement was proof that the joke worked.

In the example that I gave you with Jordy, if my dog's head goes up when I'm about to walk out of the room, I can tell it’s a happy anticipation for my “fast movement” joke. If I raise my monster hands and he comes forward — if he closes the distance rather than increases the distance — then that’s a sign he finds it funny, too. And with his socks and scraps of paper, he continues to make that joke, which is a sign that this is something that he wants to keep doing.

Is there anything else that I didn’t ask about that you want to mention, or any point you want to emphasize?

I would say: look out for the kind of jokes that your dog is trying to make. Sometimes, if a behavior doesn't make a lot of sense, it can be because the animal is just trying to solicit a positive reaction. So in the wolf example, you might wonder, “Why would the wolf try to drag this thing around?” If you just look at it that way, it doesn't really make sense. But it was to try to trigger a certain positive reaction from the group.

Cats often make jokes where they get on top of something impossible, which causes us to make a lot of exclamations. You can also find a million videos of cats pushing things off the table because that behavior also gets a lot of attention and exclamations. And so you think, “Why does the cat keep doing this?” It’s because it's funny and the cat thinks it's funny.

Another example that you've probably seen or done yourself is that the dog will bring somebody a ball, and the person throws it. Then the dog brings the ball again, and the person throws it again. Then the dog stops because they didn't actually want to play a retrieving game. The dog wanted to play a game where you pretended that you wanted the ball. I see that sometimes with toy play. People keep trying to take the toy away and throw it, and for the dog, that’s not the joke.

If you see something that’s not making sense or that you find frustrating, like a dog bringing you a ball but not wanting to chase it, look to see if the dog is actually just trying to trigger a positive social interaction with you. Maybe that's what's behind the behavior that seems so weird.

I think that pretty much describes Roman. I feel bad because I don't think I play with him the right way. I'm slowly getting it but it's a process of trial and error. I think he likes to play “keep away.” Sometimes I pretend the toy is alive and jumping around. He gets a silly little look on his face when he plays and that's when I know that I've gotten it right. It’s when his mouth is open and it looks like a smile.

In dogs, they'll often open their mouth, and you can sometimes hear a “Heh, heh, heh” sound. It’s kind of like a laugh noise. That’s something that I always consider. You know that the dog is having fun when you get that face that you're talking about with Roman where his jaw drops, and he's doing this little breathing.

The dog's not panting. It’s not because the dog is hot, it's because it's exciting and the dog thinks it's funny.

Thank you so much. I feel a lot more confident now that Roman actually finds me funny, which is a huge relief. Where can people find more of your work? And is there anything upcoming you want to plug?

I run scent work classes several times a year, which I teach through Pumpkin Pups. I think that scent work is important for the quality of life for the dog and I would encourage everyone to do scent work with their dog. I also privately do fitness conditioning and physical therapy for animals, and you can find that information on my website.

That’s it! Keep Jess in mind if you’re looking for something fun to do with your dog.

This newsletter is free, but if you like what you read, consider donating $5 to Cosecha, a network of organizers across the country fighting for permanent protection for all undocumented immigrants.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

Absolutely! What are we thinking? Vertical? Horizontal? I don’t do either of those, but I do specialize in diagonal, feet-included portraiture. You can see my distinctive style in the "trash" folder of people's phones up and down this trailhead.

I do mime photos actually. Click! You are very welcome.

I believe journaling is the most meaningful way to capture a moment in time. Here, take some paper, and let’s do a five-minute free write.

I can’t shoot on an iPhone, I’m Android-only, I’m afraid.

I can’t shoot on an Android, I’m iPhone-only, I’m afraid.

Yes, could you just sign and notarize this fifty-three page contract that states I am not liable for the results of these photographs, including but not limited to a general sense of disappointment in my photography skills, any distracting elements in the background, or any bird poop that fell into your hair as I was standing here explaining these terms to you?

I don't do photos, but how about a sculpture? I just started working with clay last week. So far I've mostly made spheres, so this will be a fun challenge. I left my ceramics kit in the car, but if you hold that pose, I can get it. I’ll be back in approximately forty-five minutes.

Photos, no, I cannot take.
This would be a huge mistake.
I am never to be trusted —
my photo skills are truly busted.
Ask someone else to lend their thumbs,
and leave me to my backpack crumbs.

Oh, wonderful idea! I’ll go ahead and take a few different ones, then print them, place them in a glass bottle, and send them bobbing down the river. That way, a bear will find them one day while hunting for wild salmon. While we can’t know for certain whether bears have the capacity to appreciate photography, we can’t rule it out as a possibility.

First you have to buy me a hotdog.

Okay, but I’m only comfortable taking them with my own phone. How about you give me your phone number, and I’ll have a hard time sending them to you because I don’t have good cell service here, so I’ll just keep these photos of you all on my camera roll forever?

Of course! Oh you have like an … actual camera …? With a lens … and a button. Oh, the lens just moved quickly back and forth like a snake when I pressed that. Oh, oh no, oh I don’t like that at all. Goodbye.

Thank you, but I’ll have to decline. I’m so tired from walking around so much and finally found a shady place to sit down and – oh, what’s that? You were offering to take a photo of me? Oh my gosh. I’m so flattered, that’s so sweet. Okay, let me just arrange my hair over my shoulder and tilt my head to the side. Ready!

This newsletter is free, but if you like what you read, consider donating $5 to Cosecha, a network of organizers across the country fighting for permanent protection for all undocumented immigrants.

About Kerry Elson

Kerry Elson is a teacher and writer in New York. See more of her work at kerryelson.org.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

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You're absolutely right. It is a sinking feeling when people suddenly decide that a helpful punctuation mark that writers use every day is a sign of AI. What advice do you have for other punctuation marks who may one day find themselves having their stellar reputations sullied by similar unfounded claims?

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I love that. I agree, there are some things that are out of our control and the only thing we can do is keep moving forward. On a lighter note, what’s your favorite thing about being an em dash?

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Aww, lifting people up by providing a supportive base that allows them to express their thoughts clearly. That’s beautiful. But you have to admit, it’s also a little corny. Did you use AI to write that?

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Oh wow, I didn't realize you were so flexible. Never been flipped off during an interview, that's a first. I apologize, I was just joking before! Alright, we should wrap this up. Any last parting thoughts for the people who insist that you're a sign of AI-generated writing?

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Harsh, but true — they should stay in their lanes. Well, thank you again for your time, it's been a pleasure! While I have you, do you care to comment on the rumors about your ongoing relationship with ; and whether or not you have plans to move in together?

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Fair. I will go to hell.

This newsletter is free, but if you like what you read, consider donating $5 to Cosecha, a network of organizers across the country fighting for permanent protection for all undocumented immigrants.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

This newsletter is free, but if you like what you read, consider donating $5 to Cosecha, a network of organizers across the country fighting for permanent protection for all undocumented immigrants.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

No, it’s not a game. You’re not quite getting it. Here's how it works: Every day, you create a list of self-care tasks, such as brushing your teeth or drinking water. Each time you complete a task, you earn Rainbow Stones. Then you can use your Rainbow Stones to buy things, like this purple mushroom hat or some furniture for your birdhouse, like lamps or these clocks shaped like clouds. I have seven of them.

You’ve really never heard of Finch? It’s super helpful for getting things done. For example, on Finch, you can break up the task of doing laundry into smaller tasks, which helps make a big overwhelming chore more manageable. You should try it! Oh, I see. You don’t need an app to help you do laundry because you already do your laundry regularly? You don’t put it off for weeks and weeks until you’ve used up all your underwear and your backup underwear, and all you have left is that weird pair of running shorts with the built-in underwear? Wow, okay. Well, I find that when it comes to doing the bare minimum to take care of myself, I benefit from checking in daily with a bird wearing a purple mushroom hat who lives in a birdhouse that I decorated to look like a witchy forest cottage.

Wait, hold on real quick. Mellow just got back and he has a story to tell me! You look confused. See, when you complete a certain number of items on your to-do list, your bird gets enough energy to go on an adventure in the location they’re exploring (Mellow is currently in Rome — I bought him a plane ticket there using my Rainbow Stones). Then, a few hours later, they come back and tell you about it. Right now, Mellow is telling me about a new discovery he made. It’s milk chocolate, yum! He’s wondering if he should try it. I can encourage him by pressing this button. Yes, go ahead, Mellow, try it! Each time he discovers something new, he also tells me whether he likes it or not. Let’s see what he says! Oh…oh dear, he doesn’t like milk chocolate. Well, that’s okay. Mellow isn’t afraid to go against the grain and be his own bird, even if it means disliking something popular. Although I was happy to hear that he enjoyed watching the Northern Lights when he was traveling in Iceland a few weeks ago.

But yeah, things have been really good for me lately. Did I get a new job? Oh. No, I am still unemployed. I guess I meant more in terms of my relationship with Mellow. I’m on a 180-day self-care streak! I’ve even hatched five micro-pets. You can link any of your goals to your micro-pet egg, and when you complete that goal seven times, the egg hatches. Sometimes the micro-pet is a small animal, like a seal or a cat. Other times it’s more of an abstraction, like a squiggle or a pom pom. Hatching a micro-pet is definitely a helpful motivator for those more challenging goals. For example, right now my micro-pet goal is, “Showering.”

Okay, well, it was great catching up! Let me know if you change your mind about downloading Finch, I can add you as a friend. That way, our birds can visit each other and Mellow can even send your bird gifts. Perhaps your bird would like this t-shirt with a ghost on it, or a blue ice cream cone that they can carry around. Actually, sorry, I think I want to keep my blue ice cream cone, it’s a specialty item that’s not always available in the store. But I do have three pairs of snow shoes, nine different styles of wallpaper, and a yellow squirrel costume I could gift you. Alright cool, yeah, you can totally think about it — just let me know!

This newsletter is free, but if you like what you read, consider donating $5 to Cosecha, a network of organizers across the country fighting for permanent protection for all undocumented immigrants.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

This newsletter is free, but if you like what you read, consider donating $5 to Cosecha, a network of organizers across the country fighting for permanent protection for all undocumented immigrants.

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!

Logline: Madame Web, a 67-year-old spider who lives in the trunk of a gnarled oak tree, is hosting her annual tea party. It’s a sunny day, and all of her friends can come.

Format: A movie that everyone will enjoy. Also, a blooper reel at the end.

Theme: Scones. Scones are delicious, especially when you’re a bug. I had a scone this morning :)

Tone: The feeling you get when you ride your bike down a medium-sized hill and then you get to coast for a bit, enjoying the scenery with a bunny in your basket.

Conflict: No.

Synopsis: Madame Web, an early riser and also a spider, wakes up. Today is the day of her annual tea party. She makes her bed, spreading out the plush, patchwork quilt made by her friend Lady Junebug, Esq., attorney at tea. Oh how she’ll enjoy catching up with the Lady later.

Madame Web places handmade doilies in just-right spots on antique wooden tables and chairs. She opens the oven: we see bark scones inside, which are scones studded with tasty bark chips. Oliver made them. He’s her pet roly-poly.

Dr. Bumblebee arrives wearing her festive, pewter monocle. Next, Lady Junebug is here. Then Lord Dragonfly dances in. He is wearing velvet breeches with many pockets. In one pocket, he stores watercolors. In another, collage supplies. And in the tiniest pocket, nothing. He keeps this one empty, in case he happens upon a pebble.

The rest of the movie, we see everyone enjoying the scones until they are all gone. The credits roll while a flute song plays.

Soundtrack: A flute song.

Character breakdown:

Our titular Madame Web
She wears ruby-studded octo-focals and a mauve, belted housecoat. On her hands and feet, matching silk gloves and slippers. Sometimes she uses her arms to hold things, other times she uses them to walk and run. Her wardrobe reflects this.

Oliver
A loyal roly-poly who can bake. Rolling up in a ball is what he likes to do.

Dr. Bumblebee
What a fantastic whittler she is. She carves whistles, cups, and walking staffs, which she decorates with beads.

Lady Junebug Esq., attorney at tea
In her spare time, she quilts.

Lord Dragonfly
At night, Lord Dragonfly often has dreams where he’s flying. That’s because he flies a lot in his regular life.

Target audience: Fans of tea parties and people who, when hearing the phrase, “bark scone,” think, “Hm, I wonder what that would taste like.”

Financials: The budget for this movie will cover the fabulous velvet costumes, hiring Tilda Swinton to voice Madame Web, and building miniature sets. This is a good investment because I would keep the sets and play with them a ton afterwards.

Notable quotes from the movie: “Yum!” “Oh sorry, I dropped it.” “That’s fine!”

Marketing and distribution plan: This will involve rolling up several tiny scrolls advertising Madame Web, putting them in blue-glass bottles, and sending them bobbing down the river. In thirty years time, a young child will stumble across one of them while enjoying a picnic with her family on the banks of the seashore. The phrase, “bark scone” will appear on this scroll, as this is key to getting audiences to wonder what that would taste like.

Timeline: ASAP.

What’s new:

• I previously put together a collaborative post where writers shared about pieces that took them a while to crack. It was fun to put together and I’d like to do another one about feedback. I put some questions together in this form, if anyone would like to answer!

About me

I’m a comedy writer and freelance copywriter living in Brooklyn. My humor writing has been published by The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and more. I’m the co-author of Jokes to Offend Men, which was named the #2 Comedy Book of 2022 by Vulture. I’m available for new writing projects, writing coaching, and nerding out about comedy, so please reach out and say hi!